![]() ![]() The husband was repeating lines from a childhood memory of his father’s words to his mother when he was a little boy, during a heated argument. The emotions that are triggered when stressed in a present day situation are acted out from trauma in the past. One such moment may be when a man shouts to his wife, “I pulled you out of the slums and this is what I get?” The wife thinks to herself, where did he get that? I lived in a suburb when you met me. Unconsciously, those traumas, those dark scenes of movies get replayed when their own conflict occurs. Rather than learning not to be the way it was in their own childhood, they unconsciously repeat the old movies. What is amazing is that so many divorcing parents have related such stories from their own childhoods. A little girl may cower in the corner when her parents fight, yet in that same family the son may jump in between the parents and get hurt in the process. If I had a dollar for every parent who told me “The kids are fine,” I would be rich. Parents who are wrapped up in the conflict almost forget that children are impacted by what they are seeing. They have been left alone while a parent storms out of the house and the other parent leaves too.įight or. ![]() Children have witnessed police coming to the house. Sometimes someone does get physically hurt. Each fight brings about a fear that the fight will escalate and someone will get physically hurt. If parents knew them damaging impact their fights have on their children they might find other ways to solve conflicts. Conflict with loud tones frightens people. Many clients report that seeing any conflict can them into that frozen state.Ī colleague told me once that she wanted to run from the room when her clients started arguing. They don't know what to do so they just stand there without moving. In their present day life they will often talk about a paralyzed feeling they get when they witness loud arguments. While children may grow up repressing many of the scenes, others can carry vivid images of the battle and need help as adults to heal from the battle scars. The children may not know their parent’s backstory of the ongoing battle they witness. Lena may be secretly resentful of Stuart’s mother’s interference in their marriage. While I was too young at the time to understand why she didn't just have a couple of drinks while he was at the bar with his friends, as an adult I finally understood that she wanted his companionship after she had coped all day long with five kids, and that my parents' share core belief was that only alcoholics drank alone! Children who witness their parents' battles are helpless to stop the escalating conflict, and for sure don’t have the of their parent’s small resentments with each other.Īnother story comes to mind of Stuart, who may be very tired of Lena’s constant interruptions of his stories about work. For example I can still see in my mind’s eye my 38 year old mother being angry with my father that he had stopped for drinks and "started before her". The physiological effects of drugs, pills and alcohol can impact the communication in a very negative way. ![]() What triggers all these parental conflicts? One component that seems to be a factor is that the conflict may be fueled by substances, whether under the influence of alcohol or drugs or coming down from the affects of the substances. Our agency focuses on the needs of parents with child custody problems and other domestic issues so children can grow up in more peaceful environments. In our counseling agency we broker ideas about conflict during supervision as therapists sessions where they try to help couples mediate their differences. The problem was I never got to see the where they sorted things out.įor over 35 years I have made it my life work to learn and use tools of conflict management and I still fall short. The good news is they were married for 33 years until my father died. They would talk in their room and come down with things settled. I remember the few times my parents fought, my mother would run upstairs and my father would go after her. ![]()
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